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| Wednesday, July 4th, 2007 | | 11:31 pm |
I havn't posted in my actual journal in a while. Always to anorexicqueen. I have been doing really good for the past week. I always seem to do really good for a few weeks, drop ten pounds then all of a sudden I get really depressed because I can't go out to eat with friends or I can't good my bf breakfast because that means I would have to eat it as well so I decide that I don't care what I weigh and start eating normally again. But then after I gain the weight back and more I decide again that I want to be thin. It is all a horible battle in my head that I wish would finally be over. I honesty don't really care which side wins just as long as I can be happy, either by not eating or by eating. I wan't to be thin so bad right now. I want my hip bones and clavical to protrude and my spine to be visible. I want my thighs not to touch and I want my arms not to be so fucking fat! I want to beautiful to me. I know "normal" people don't find skin and bones to be attractive and I know my boyfriend would much rather prefer me at what I am now then at where I would like to be. People tell me I am thin all the time and that I don't need to lose weight, and I know I am thin and that I don't need to lose weight. I am at a good healthy weight, probably almost exactly where a doctor would say I should be for my height. But I don't care what others like, and what others think looks good. I have it pictured in my mind how I want to look and I can't get rid of it. I may once in a while throw it to the side and forget about for a few weeks, but it always comes back to haunt me. I'm not to depressed yet about not being able to eat, but I know after a couple more weeks of this I probably will be. I wouldn't mind treating my self once in a while either, like once a week, but I am so afraid that it will ruin everything. That I will go on a horible week long binge after that one treat and gain all the weight back and posibly more. My boyfriend knows of my disorder, but he thinks I am better now. He thinks I don't obsess anymore. I am afraid if he finds out he will leave me because it is to stressful seeing someone you care about hurt them selves like that. Thats why I wish I could just treat my self once in a while, that way I wouldn't worrie my friends and family. But I guess in a way that is just a way of lieing to them. And when I think about it if it came down to either my boyfriend leaving me or getting help, I probably would choose my boyfriend leaving me. That is so horible that I want to be thin so bad that I rather be alone then with someone I really care about. Does anyone else feel this way? But anyways, that is all for now. I just really felt like sharing all of that. | | Wednesday, April 18th, 2007 | | 11:25 pm |
Well today not as good as I hoped but better than it could have been. I had a pair, and then a salad at work, and about half of a small curly fry. For some reason I couldnt say no to them. At least it was only that. Then later tonight at my parents house I had this really really yummy peanut butter thing that I think has a shit load of calories. so probably a total of about 1000 cals. Which is ok but could have done a lot better. Probably only would have been abour 500 with out the damn curly fries and peanut butter yummy. But I'm not to worried about it. I'm easing my self into this fast. Tomorrow going to try and only eat a pair and a salad at work, or just a salad. Nothing else and then friday I will start my fast. Hopefully. My friend from work is going to try and fast with me. That would be cool.
I didn't weigh my self today. Going to stay away from the scale again tomorrow.
Uh, I feel sick all of a sudden. Its probably because I just took the forth colon cleans pill of the day. I'm not taking anymore today. I got to buy some more. I think I am becoming reliant on them. I take three a day about on average when you are only suppose to take two a day, and now even taking three I dont really poop like I used to. haha, sounds gross. I probably should maybe take a break from them. And then start over again. I dont know.
but thats about it.
I think I may write the most boring posts ever. lol | | 2:25 pm |
So far today: One large pair: 150 cals 16 ounce americano with skim milk and 2 equals, not sure how many cals. I'm sure not more than 50. Better not be. Last night was so horible. I just compelely caved. I ate so much I was still full 5 hours later. Was so blouted the whole night. After last night I dont know if I could eat like that again. I have never been so miserable. So tonight at work a salad. I wouldn't eat anything but I am afriad if I dont eat something then I will end up eating everything. My work cloths are getting to big which is awsome. but I got to get to work, You girls have a wonderful day, well I guess we cant just say girls anymore. You guys and girls have a wonderful day! | | Tuesday, April 17th, 2007 | | 11:53 pm |
I really need to get back on track. This sucks so bad. Ever since that damn chinese food. Completely fucked my will power. I just need to remind myself how wonderful I felt after that week, and how the cravings completely stopped and the hunger. UH! What am I going to do. This is so hard. | | Monday, April 16th, 2007 | | 12:01 pm |
lots of rambling
I knew I should have avoided the scale this morning but I couldnt help my self. I had to! And I am very very very disapointed. I was expecting a little bit of a weight gain but not almost THREE POUNDS! I am 137.8 today. 2.8 pounds heavier than I was yesterday. Oh well, its ok. I will lost it again. Eating nothing. going to make sure I dont go to my parents house until around 6 that way I can tell them I already ate before coming over. My will power was a little shot last night. I'm not feeling quite as strong as I have been feeling. But I know how wonderful I felt when I wasnt eating and how proud of my self I was for not even wanting food. It's weird what things you can be proud about it. Last night I did go out with my guy friend and a couple of his friends. We went and had chinese, which is the WORST! Specially since all chinese places have the all you can eat buffet. I can't beleive how much I ate. We ordered like 5 different kinds of sushi, then I had two plate fulls of food, none which were salad. The bill for 4 of us came to 90 dollars. At a chinese place! We ordered a lot. But it was good, and if I was going to cheat that is deffinitly my first choice, chinese. Then after dinner we went and watched movies at his place and I made the exuse of wanting to have my car there so I wouldnt have to bug someone for a ride later, but really it was just so I could be alone to purge. On another subject, I'm worried about my friend. She is EDNOS as well. She had a bad break up a while back and gained 40 pounds and now she has been introduced to cocaine. She said it makes her not have an appitite for 2 or 3 days. Maybe I shouldnt be saying this on here, I dont want to give anyone any bad ideas. Please everyone stay away from drugs to lose weight, unless they are diet pills. But anyways. I'm worried because she is so desperate to lose weight, I'm afraid she is going to become really addicted to it. She says she wont, but you can never promise something like that with drugs. There is nothing I can say that would convince her to not do it. I've thought about getting into drugs to lose weight a while back. I was so desperate to lose weight, and also was going through really bad depression. But then I found out I was pregnant. I think my son saved my life. I think I would have ended up getting into something really bad. But anyways, just rambling on. Anyone want to fast with me? I'm thinking about fasting today-thursday. I work tues-thurs and I've been having no problem at work, I can pretend to eat there I found out yesterday. I made a sandwich than said I was going to my car for my break. Normally I eat in the office where my coworkers alway come and bug me. So I am excited about that. They wont get suspiciouse now. Hopefully. AH, I'm probably boring you all. Just felt like rambling. Dont really have anything to do right now. So if anyone wants to fast with me that would be awsome! Give me a shout on here or msn messanger irene_little_butt@hotmail.com | | Saturday, April 14th, 2007 | | 2:52 pm |
So far today havnt eatin anything. its almost 3. Dont feel like eating, not even really hungry but going to dinner in about an hour. I think I will get a salad and the excuse will be because I'm getting subway with a friend later. Since like I said before it is the truth. But the only thing is, its my friends b-day, thats why we are all going out and I will feel bad not eating with her so I can eat with someone else. Specially since my mom would pay for me if I did eat there. It is so crazy how many girls have this "disease". I dont like calling it that, but I guess that is what it is. Kind of. I can't remember if I posted this before but my best friend's mom and his sister are both anorexic. If he were to find out about me he would be so upset. So upset he even may never speak to me again. I can't beleive how much I have smoked this week. Way to much. I can get food for free from where I work so eating pretty much cost's me nothing, but cigarettes are way expensive. But I think I rather waste the little money I have on cigarettes then be fat. But that about it. Was just bored and wanted to post an entry about nothing important really. hope you girls have a wonderful day STAY STRONG! | | 8:43 am |
Monday: 142 lbs
Tuesday: 141.2 ibs
Wednesday: 140.6 lbs
Thursday:140 lbs
Friday: 138 lbs
Today: 137 lbs
and height if anyone want to know is" 5'6
I just relized that I've already lost 5 pounds this week and its not even over. This is crazy! I am so excited. I need to find a way to get out of eating at dinner tonight. I would just say a salad but my parents were lookin at me kind of weird last night for having soup instead of pizza for dinner. And now we are going to a nice restaraunt and I order a salad? They will be suspiciouse. Could just say I'm getting subway later since that is the truth, and could say I ate big at work today. I wish I didnt have to eat anything at all today. I almost dont even want to drink now because so many carbs and calories. But would be kind of weird to go and not drink. But I will not drink that much. The less I plan on drinking the less I need to eat before as well.
I feel like measuring my self
waist: 28 1/2 inch
stomach: 34 1/2 inch (where belly button is, I didnt know if that was the right thing to call this area)
hips: 36 1/2 inch
thigh: 21 inch
bust: 36 inch
arm: 12 inch (uh, I have fat arms!)
thats it for now, gotta get to work, hope you ladies have a wonderful day! | | Monday, April 9th, 2007 | | 11:50 pm |
Current Stats
Height: 5'6
Current weight: 145 lbs (gross)
Highest weight: 162 lbs
lowest weight: 129 lbs
1rst goal weight: 140 lbs
2nd goal weight: 135 lbs
Long term goal weight: 115 lbs but most likely wont be satisfied once I get there
Here are some pics
| | 11:48 pm |
| | 11:46 pm |
I went and bought a camera cord so I could post some pics.
and here they are.
[IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v32/fluffy_mongoose/IMG_1636.jpg[/IMG] | | Sunday, January 7th, 2007 | | 12:50 am |
Havn't posted in a while. Wanted to update my progress. I just had a baby 4 months ago. Pre-pregnancy weight: 130 lbs Weight right before delivering: 162 lbs Weight after giving birth: 152 lbs Current weight: 137 lbs Goal weight for now: 125 lbs I have 7 pounds to go before I get back to pre-pregnancy weight. The last week I've lost 4 pounds. I've been pretty much eating just fruits and veggies, and ocassionally snacking on a couple cookies. And in just a couple minutes I am going to try a home made herbal body wrap that is suppose to make u lose inches. I am so excited. I cant wait. But anyways, here are some pics. | | 12:47 am |
Havn't posted in a while. Wanted to update my progress. I just had a baby 4 months ago. Pre-pregnancy weight: 130 lbs Weight right before delivering: 162 lbs Weight after giving birth: 152 lbs Current weight: 137 lbs I have 7 pounds to go before I get back to pre-pregnancy weight. The last week I've lost 4 pounds. I've been pretty much eating just fruits and veggies, and ocassionally snacking on a couple cookies. And in just a couple minutes I am going to try a home made herbal body wrap that is suppose to make u lose inches. I am so excited. I cant wait. But anyways, here are some pics. | | Saturday, September 16th, 2006 | | 11:13 am |
On september 12th I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. 5.5 lbs, 18 1/2 inchs long. I have some pictures of him and of myself. I thing I look pretty good for just giving birth. ( View pictures ) | | Saturday, September 9th, 2006 | | 3:15 pm |
hello everyone. 2 more weeks till my due date. I am getting so excited about meeting my son for the first time and being able to start restricting again. I was looking at cereals cause I like to go for like grape nuts and things like that and they have almost just as much calories in them as the sweet sugary cereals. Its not alot but I thought that the sweet stuff would be jam packed with cals. I am still gonna stick with like grape nuts and things just because I wouldnt feel so guilty. its only like 150 cals with milk so thats not to bad. but anyways, I wanted to share some pictures I found ( Pictures ) | | Saturday, August 12th, 2006 | | 8:19 pm |
I havnt actually posted an entry in my actualy journal in a long time. All have been in the anorexic beauty queen. So I want to update. Me and Cody, who I was engaged with, and am still pregnant with his child broke up with me a little over a month ago. I have this enraged hatered for him. I'm not really sure if I actually hate him or am just mad at my self for ever falling in love with him. I'm not really sure. But I was reading this book and it says the best thing to do is forgive your ex. I dont understand how I can do that. He left me being 6 months pregnant with his child. I have to now find a way to pay 800 dollars worth of rent a month by my self, a car payment, car insurance, hospital bills and credit cards. all of that together is more than I make. But after saying that, I shouldnt be mad at him at all for breaking up with me because it seemed to completely cure my horible case of depression. I was to the point where I didnt want to do anything but sleep. I thought about dying a lot, not killing my self, but just not wanting to live anymore. And it was almost instant. It was like a switch that just needed to be turned off. or on, however u wanna look at it. But Cody breaking up with my did it. I am happy and I havnt been happy in over a year. Like truely happy. I do sometimes miss him. I miss when we were happy and got along really good. I miss the physical, like lieing in bed just running my fingers along his back, or his chest. Running my fingers through his hair. But that seems to be the only thing I miss. And we had lost that a long time ago. Way before he broke up with me. Now I have 6 weeks left till I am supposed to give birth to my son. I am quite excited. I am excited to meet him, and I am excited to be skinny again. I have battled with eating dissorders for the past three years and plan not to change my eating habits. I want to be skinny. Like skinny as hell. Once I am done breast feeding, It's pretty much going to be salads, no dressing and green tea. I would love to do a watermelon diet but I cant since watermelon is only in season for about 5 months in alaska. Which sucks. And By the time I can start restricting again, it will be gone. But I plan on getting the skinniest I have ever been. I want to get down to 115 at least. if not 110. So far I have gained 21 pounds with this pregnancy and I am still not very big at all. I have a feeling I wont have any problems with stretch marks or anything like that. I think losing this weights will be encredibly easy, especially since I've lost body mass everywhere else on my body except my stomach. I am 7 and a half months pregnant and I still fit in my regular cloths. Thats pretty amazing. One of the ladies at my work who I am also pretty close with has battled with eating disorders all her life. She told me how bumble bee's represent eating disorders because something to do with for how big there bodies are there little wings shouldn't be able to hold them up in the air and yet they still do. For some reason that is associated with ED's. I really wanted to get a tattoo in October. I really dont think I should get the bumble bee, becuase I dont know if I will regret that or not. I know though for a fact that I wont regret getting my son's name tattood on me. It's just that I would want it big enough to fit on my shouldar blade which means at least 200 bucks. At least, probably more. So I dont know what I will do. How bout this. Be smart and save money for it. I think that is pretty much it for now on what is going on in my life right now. | | Sunday, December 11th, 2005 | | 3:25 am |
I am down to 137, lost 3 pounds. Which is good I guess. I think once I get down to 130 Im going to celebrate some how. not sure how but I will. I was aiming for 130 a long time ago and when I finaly get there PARTY!. Also If I do get as low as 125-120 I think I will chop my hair off. I love short hair on skinny chicks. | | Saturday, December 3rd, 2005 | | 11:15 pm |
Im so excited right now, I mean what I did eat was horible, lots of popcorn at the movies and a thing of milkyway popables, but other than that I havnt eatin anything. and its almost bed time. I havnt gone a day with out eating an actualy meal in a long long long time. this gives me hope. The last couple months I just have been doing so horible, I gained 6 pounds back and havnt been able to go with out food, but today I actualy finally made the dicision to be really strick. I went and bought a bunch of froot and veggies, and got some grape nuts. I can do this! I can! wish me luck everyone! | | 4:13 pm |
I feel like such a fat pig. it's my moms birthday so we went to the movies and I ate a whole thing of milkyway popables and half a tub of popcorn and a large nondiet sprite. gah. I need more self control! today: I feel like a failure | | 1:13 pm |
My friend found this 28 day fast. It sounds awsome. I want to do it so bad. here it is: ( Read more... ) | | Monday, November 28th, 2005 | | 6:12 pm |
I'm so confused right now. He isnt a dick and I love him with all my heart. I just dont know what to think though. Im so confused. Im so lost. I hate being depressed all the time. I dont know why I'm taking this so hard, if it were anyone else I would care for maybe an hour than forgive them. but It's him. I wish I could just not care. fuck. I hate feeling like this |
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